Top Ten Reasons why Australia is the most inhospitable place on earth

“Classic”

Top Ten Reasons Why Australia is the most uninhabitable place on Earth

Apart from Anartica, but that’s splitting hairs, plus there is so little beyond ice, snow, bears and penguins I doubt I could construct a top ten list. Here we go.

10. It has a desert.

A big bloody desert at that. Ever wondered why Sydney seems so busy yet Australia is supposed to have the greatest land mass for every person? The desert, that’s why. No one wants to live in the bloody desert. It’s not the desert’s fault I suppose, a number of mountain ranges manages to firmly mess up the desert’s chances of getting decent hydration, why not move them I ask.

9. FLOOD!!

Australia is prone to flooding at a moment’s notice. We can happily exist for years with a DROUGHT (see next) yet a flood really screws everything over. The number of times my old house’s garage was several inches high in water is too many to count, and I’m sure the countryside has had worse.

 

8. DROUGHT

On the flipside, in between floods, we get droughts. Big, nasty things that manage to be an excellent scapegoat for a crumbling economy. Hilariously enough, we are now so resourceful with water as Sydney Water has encouraged, they are now bumping up the prices of water to cope with the falling demand.

 

7.Hurricanes, Storms and other associated nonsense

It happens rarely, in fact Australia is fortunate(?) in that it sits directly on a tectonic plate, rendering it pretty damn quiet on the earthquake side of things. That tells but half the story though, because the vast majority of habitable Australia is the coast, we get the crap kicked out of us at every hurricane, cyclone, water funnel, storm, tsunami and king tide.

 

6. No food.

That’s right. Widgety grubs my ass, native Australia flora has the square root of sod all when it comes to sustaining amounts of eadible vegetation. Oh we have the purple potato, a big ugly woodworm and generic berries but seriously do you see them on any menu? Of course you don’t cuz they suck.

 

5. Even the pussy animals will kick your ass.

Take the playful happy-go-lucky platypus- that fucker has toxic spurs on it that will rend you high as a kite and dead as a doornail. The joyful echidna has barbs that will break off and stay in your skin. The possum, when injured will tear you a new hole if you try and help it. A stingray managed to kill off the most badass Australian ever.

4. We’re girt by sea.

Yeah, girt my furry ass. People get smashed by the storms constantly pwning everything in a constant cycle of death thanks to the Southerlies (that’s big rushes of air from Antartica) and North-Easterlies. Furthermore, if by some miracle you have the wherewithall to try and get off this rock it’s thousands of nautical miles away from ANYTHING. Get this- a dutch trading ship, the Batavia, crunched into one of Australia’s many, many reefs (go figure) then some guys decided to get back onto the dutch trading routes. It was 5000 miles away ffs, and that was only at the bottom of South Australia, not even halfway across- this voyage is considered one of the greatest ever by the way.

 

3. We have… big nasty things

Dingoes don’t exist anymore. Know why? They have interbred with domesticated dogs so much that they are now hitting a feral (i.e. they go through some bizarre 2nd growth spurt and go totally nuts) stage making them far, far larger and well able to run off with sheep. We have hogs from South Africa growing to roughly the size of a mini cooper, in huge packs and bad tempered to boot. Kangaroos can happily balance on their tail as they hit you with kicks measuring in the hundreds of horsepower cracking ribs and breaking bones. All sorts of monitors like Goannas are packed with great things like claws stuffed with salmonella, so a mere scratch will have you hallucinating and vomiting thousands of miles away from the nearest hint of civilization. Feel like a swim? No way, freshwater has got the Crocs- the largest reptiles in the world with teeths to match, while our marvellous seas are home to such characters as the Tiger, Mako and Great White.

2. We have… small, innocuous nasty things.

Much, much, much worse than large things, at least you have a slight chance of seeing the large things before they kick ur ass. Get this- we have 9 out of the 10 most venomous snakes in the world, most of which right in township’s backyard. The most venomous, the Fierce Snake, is fully capable of killing 18 adults in a single bite (or 250,000 mice- their diet). Snakes by and by, love lakes and basking themselves on driveways- some of the bastards are even protected! Ok, snakes aside, what else? We have the illustrious Syndey Funnel Web Spider which will kill you in 12-50 minutes depending on what source you get your information. Poison treefrogs kick the living crap out you, as do Cane Toads with their bevvy of bufotoxins (Toads interestingly enough are contraband in America thanks to their LSD like defense mechanisms). Tell me all about the box jellyfish, who near-singlehandedly makes Queensland’s top beaches totally unswimmable for 3 months of the year, or the happy blue-ringed octopus who will have you paralysed and dead in 14 minutes- at least they give you a nice, glowing warning that they are pissed off. Stonefish in the great barrier reef are literally invisible against other underwater rocks (no, really) but step on one and start ferociously doing something with your body, because you should embrace it before the inevitable paralysis. Tiny fish with barbs that would put Neptune to shame, insects that bite, sting, suck and relish your blood. Even flies bite you.

1. The eco-system of doom.

All of the previous points may, to some degree, be avoided. Not the last one. Now picture this. Australia is a very old eco-system with it’s own way of doing things. Trees grow and take over the canopy so well after a few years, new growth is impossible. So what does evolution decide to allow? Every. single. native. tree has running through it the flammability of a jerry can full with jet fuel. That’s right. Every single bloody leaf is effectively doused with kerosene. Makes sense right? That means all leaf litter, whole forests of gum trees are burnt to a cinder, naturally, every 10 years or so. The death tolls for animals are enormous, and inevitably houses get caught up in the blaze. Australia has the greatest firefighting force in the world, and even they are like a fly on an elephant when it comes to the largest of these fires. Bushfires are easily the nastiest part of native Australia.

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~ by freeze43 on September 11, 2008.

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